‘I was in love’: The first time I fell in love with my mum
I have a strange feeling in my stomach.
I’ve been in love and then gone through two phases of it.
The first is the emotional part, and it’s like someone is pulling me back into reality.
The second phase is when you realise it’s not real.
You’re just imagining it, and you’re seeing yourself through it.
I feel so much more aware of the fact that I’m in love, that it’s a thing, not a fantasy.
I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything like it before.
In fact, it’s the most liberating experience of my life.
I think I might have the biggest crush of my adult life.
In the first phase of the love story, you feel guilty about not being there for your mom, and then it’s all over and you can feel a sense of fulfilment.
But then you realize that it was all a fantasy and you know it’s just a dream.
You can’t stop dreaming about her, you can’t say no to her.
And that’s when the second phase starts, when you start feeling guilty about having fallen for your mother.
I would always think that I was really in love.
But it’s always the same reaction: ‘Why didn’t I do that?
You’re so smart, you’re such a smart person.’
It’s just like: ‘You’re not a good person.
You should just get over yourself.’
And I’m like, ‘I’m not going to get over myself.
I’m a smart girl.
You shouldn’t fall for me, and I’ll get over it.’
It was that first phase that brought me to my realisation of love.
And then I realized I didn’t need to fall in love to be in love again.
There’s a lot of people who fall in and out of love with their parents and it happens quite often.
When you’ve fallen in love you feel so guilty about it, so guilty that you feel like you need to make yourself feel better.
And if you fall in, you’ll be like, Oh, I’m so sorry.
But you’ll fall out again, and the feeling is, ‘Oh, it wasn’t a big deal.’
So you think: ‘I really don’t need you.’
But then I remember what it’s really like to have fallen in and had a real relationship with your mother, and when you’ve lost yourself in that love you realise that it feels like you’ve never really loved yourself.
And I just feel like I’m really in a better place now.